Grief 101: Where to Begin
Right after a loss, especially the first big loss you’ve ever had, it can be hard to find your footing. Here is as good of a place to start as any:
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You’ll hear about the 5 stages, and there’s some truth to it, but most people end up in some stages a lot more than others, and they’re cyclical so you don’t really ever get to feel completely done with them either. You might find yourself prone to avoiding thinking about it, or you might feel like you literally can’t stop thinking about it. You might feel sad, angry, even relieved. A lot of people are surprised by their feelings and sometimes feel guilty or ashamed because of them. None of that is right or wrong, you should do whatever you can to get through this.
I hate most grief cliches but one I don’t mind is “your loved one would want you to live your best life and be happy”. This is good advice, but you have to do it on your own timeline. It’s ok to be sad for a while first, so don’t feel ashamed if it doesn’t feel feasible off the bat. It’s a really really weird time in your life, having to go back to normal when your world is flipped upside down. And no one talks about that part. You might feel like an alien in your own body. A lot of the hard parts of this loss will never go away, but this part will, so as weird as it feels, the only thing you can really do is keep going through life as you normally would.
If the relationship was tough, the grief is tough too. It’s a misconception that the hardest losses are the happiest relationships. Unresolved issues and conflicts can be one of the hardest things to let go of, and the conflicting feelings can make it harder to accept reality. This is very normal, and one of many reasons why therapy can be super useful following a loss.
Grief is going to come in waves. Right now you might be overwhelmed with outreach and support, but probably feel too overwhelmed to talk about it. There may be a point several months or even years from now where you’re feeling ready to talk about it and everyone else has seemed to stop offering support. Of all the people who reach out to you now offering to “talk” - make a mental note of someone who you might actually want to talk to down the road, and don’t be afraid to bring it up with them, even if it’s years down the road.
One thing that often strikes me at funerals is that sometimes the deceased’s inner circle seems more calm than the acquaintances. Part of this is the pressure of having more eyes on you. A lot of it though, is just that grief is easier to access and work through when the loss is simple. A distant relative crying at a funeral might be doing all their grieving there, and then they might be done. If you dissociate through the funerals and rituals, it’s ok to honor the deceased in your own way when you’re ready. This is normal too.
Some people say it gets easier and some people say it never gets easier. I like to think that it’s always hard but you become better at managing it. There are lots of useful analogies for it online like the ball in the box, but honestly, you have to figure out what resonates with you personally. Once the shock and acute sadness wears off, it’s important to find some joy in your memories with the person - it’s gonna hurt a lot at first to think about them, but it tends to be worth the emotional effort to get to that place.