Breathing exercises? No thanks - a nuanced take on coping skills

One of my favorite things about working with kids and teens is their brutal honesty, and nothing is more relatable than the face a kid makes when I mention the term “breathing exercises.” I’m right there with them - breathing exercises are often pitched as a magic solution to very real problems, and given there’s nothing magic about it. I would feel a little bit scammed by the notion as well, and anytime someone has told me to “take a deep breath” my inner teenager rolls her eyes too. 

The science behind breathing exercises is significant, but it’s honestly not for everyone. The well intentioned “push” for coping skills often lacks key nuance - some feelings need to be felt. Sometimes we need to be angry, sad, or anxious. For folks with trauma in particular, overuse of coping skills can quickly segue into avoidance behaviors, which tend to worsen intrusive symptoms. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) does a really nice job explaining this, and acknowledges the importance of tolerating distress. 

When working with kids, I love the language of feeling thermometers - that coping skills dull the intensity of a feeling rather than changing it entirely. For us grown ups - an apt analogy is asking them how much one cup of coffee will help after going 24 hours without sleep - will it help? Sure. Will it fix it? Absolutely not. Just like coffee isn’t an equivalent replacement for a good night’s sleep, coping skills are not an equivalent replacement for genuine relaxed feelings. But like coffee, coping skills still can be super helpful when used correctly.

Breathing is an amazing coping skill if it works for you, but there are so many others too. For anxiety and trauma, I personally prefer grounding, which is refocusing on the present moment. The most basic version of the skill is below, though typically when my clients take to it, we use different versions. I’ve also seen creative cognitive coping skills for distraction - like naming as many NFL players as you can think of, or for calming down, like imagining a real or fictitious happy place in detail. Ultimately, what’s most important is that it works for you, you’re able to apply the skill to the feeling when you need it, and that the choice to do so comes from a place of genuinely wanting to de-intensify your feelings (rather than someone else expressing this desire for you). 

54321 Grounding

Name and describe 5 things you can see

Name and describe 4 things you can touch

Name and describe 3 things you can hear

Name and describe 2 things you can smell

Name and describe 1 thing you can taste