Is This Flag Red or Beige? Discerning Dating Concerns

Content warning: Vague references domestic violence dynamics

Whether recovering from a genuinely abusive ex or just a toxic past relationship, it’s normal for our past relationships to color our present day dating decisions. It can be hard to parse out what is healthy self-preservation and what is projecting value judgments onto otherwise innocuous qualities. Here are some general principles to help differentiate:

Red: Controlling behavior. Controlling (either through overt commands or passive aggressive comments) who you talk to, how you dress, how you spend money, is a red flag in an early relationship.

Beige: Names. Hot take, but justice for the J names! It’s understandable to not want to date someone with the same name as your ex, but names are just about as innocuous as we can get, and there’s nothing wrong with giving a name a second chance. 

Beige-ish: Occupations. I’ve heard bad things about so many occupations, and like many other things, there are “bad apples” in pretty much any line of work. That said, some occupations like banking or surgery can result in working super long hours, which can be an understandable lifestyle difference. 

Red: Negging. Witty banter is one thing, but there’s no healthy reason for a person to frequently put you down early in a relationship. 

Beige: Meeting for drinks. This one is a bit gendered, but I’ve seen more women than I can count say they don’t accept drinks dates, low effort dates, etc. To each their own, but many lovely men or potential partners would rather see if there’s a spark first. This can be cultural, but it’s not a red flag, it’s just a preference. 

Red: Poor anger management. Even if not directed at you, becoming angry and yelling/throwing things raises concern for how they will respond if they are angry with you.

Beige-ish: Communication and social media. There is a normal spectrum of communication preferences and social media preferences in healthy relationships - it is up to you as a couple to figure out how much you like to be spoken to and if you need to post each other. Rule of thumb - if the person you are seeing barely responds to you but is on their phone all the time when they’re with you - red flag. If they post on social media all the time but won’t post you - red flag. If the phone use or social media use is consistent across all situations, then there is probably no reason for concern. 

Red: Love bombing. A well adjusted person eases into relationships at a steady incline. As flattering as the compliments can be, take a moment for some perspective - are they valid flirting? Or are they so over the top it’s strange?

Beige: Astrological signs. IMHO, the compatibility of a sign sheds more light on the probable conflicts in a relationship more so than the odds the couple will work out. If they are a good person, it doesn’t matter that they’re a gemini. 

Red: Difficulty accepting “no”. Disagreement is very normal in all relationships, but it’s important that both partners can respect when the other is saying no. Coercive or manipulative behavior in response to being told no is a valid concern. 

TLDR - problematic people also have innocuous qualities to them - those qualities are not red flags. Controlling and manipulative behavior is the red flag, and dating efforts are better spent looking to avoid these specific qualities, rather than getting caught up on innocent similarities.